i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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