ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize
