My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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