Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize