i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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