I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize