for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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