It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
