i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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