Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
well I can't set my house on fire every night
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
