my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
