You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
