i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
