8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
