it wasn't lemon gatorade
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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