I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
