I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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