Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
