Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
