So drunk its hurt
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
