i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
