I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
