He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
