Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
