I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
