You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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