I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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