i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
