Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
