I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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