i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
