just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
