Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
