If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
