Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
