I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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