i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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