Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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