theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
