i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
