I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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