Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
