if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
