Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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