RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
