I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
