Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we made out on top of his cat.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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