There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
