You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
