So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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