That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
