I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just high enough for therapy.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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