My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
