70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm having to shit out rocks
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