i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
