i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
