Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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