Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
