well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
