as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
